Over the Counter

I may need something stronger than an over the counter medication to get over the anxiety of picking out counter tops. I thought this would be one of my favorite items to choose for the kitchen, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it can be exhausting. I actually really enjoy going and looking (and dreaming) about what could be, but when it comes to actually getting a quote, the salary scaries set in. As in my salary is scared for me. 

My conversations with the sales people have gone a little something like this. 

Nice lady with clipboard: Hiii wide eyed shopper. I'd love to go over a few of our policies with you. First, just so you know, we don't put our prices on anything in the entire warehouse.

Me: That's not good. 

Clipboard lady: Oh, no, it actually just makes it easier for you to focus on the stones. We use a color coded system. 

In my head: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. In what world does she live in where prices aren't listed? When she books a flight, does she book by a color coded system or a price? Thank you. That's exactly what I thought. 

Clipboard lady: Ma'am, you seem to have zoned out. Just want to make sure you're still with me. So back to the color system. It is just like a stop light. Blue is our lowest tier. 

Me: Blue has never been a part of a stop light. 

Clipboard lady: Green is our second tier, yellow is the third tier, and red is the fourth and highest tier. 

Me: Ok, let me make sure I understand. Blue and green are on the less expensive end, then yellow, and red is crazy expensive?

Clipboard: Yes. Blue and green mean go all day. Buy buy buy. Yellow means slow down, use caution, it's getting up there. And red means stop. Stop and turn around and go the other way. Immediately.

Me: Ok, great. It sounds like red is more of a U-turn, not really a stop light. 

Clipboard: Maybe. Good luck! 

My initial thoughts: This is going to be so much fun. I haven't played Red Light, Green Light since Kindergarten. I always ruled that game



First stop. Taj Mahal. That sounds affordable.

And it is red. Oh, that's right. Turn around immediately. Got it. Moving on.

Hello friend. Aren't you a knockout...

Oh and you too.

And you three.

And I am noticing a pattern. Is everything in these places marked red?

And shoot me in the face.

And, just make it stop already.

So, I go to find clipboard lady. 

Me: Hey, clipboard. I have a bone to pick with you. You said red meant stop and turn around and walk away immediately. It seems like to me that all the reds are telling you to stop and stay and stare because they are total stunners. 

Clipboard: Well...

Me: And the greens are pretty fug and so you want to go, go, go and walk away. The yellows make you pause and think. And the reds make you want to stop and stay and whine and beg and have a full on tantrum until your husband caves in because you are in the middle of a warehouse and you're embarrassing him. 

Clipboard: I've never really thought about it like that. I was just giving you the stoplight analogy as kind of a warning. 

In my head: You must be a terrible driver. Stoplights are not warnings. They are commands. At a red light, you STOP. That's just it. You don't stop and immediately turn around. You stop.

Clipboard: I hope I've been helpful. Do you have any questions?

Me: Until we change to the color system, maybe prices would be a better idea.  

I think I am officially over the counter tops.